Archive for the 'Food For Thought' Category

Independence, Day After Day!

Published on July 4, 2010 in Food For Thought. 3 Comments

Sometimes independence can be a long time coming. It took our nation years of war to claim it. As for our children’s independence, well, that can sometimes feel like war, too. On this day that we celebrate our nation’s independence, let us take this opportunity to shed some light on how we can foster it in our children, too.

Fortunately the gaining of a child’s self-sufficiency need not be as contentious an event as the Revolutionary War. In fact, with a little patience, perspective, and opportunity-creation, you can actually enjoy nudging your little one into the world of “I can do it by myself”.

PATIENCE first…. Whether or not an independent spirit is intrinsic to your child, your ability and willingness to patiently guide him will make the difference in his confidence, and that confidence makes all the difference in his desire to be independent. If scolded each time his curiosity is explored, a child will train himself to stifle that innate human urge to learn by doing. In the midst of those stages where it seems like he only wants to destroy things and vandalize, resist the urge to tell him it’s wrong, and instead guide him to an acceptable outlet of expression. If your child is a “wall artist” and you catch him in the act of creating a masterpiece on your living room wall, use that opportunity to put together a “studio” that he can access all by himself. Set up a low art-drawer with some paper and crayons, and show him that he can get to those things himself. Each time you catch him in the act of wall-drawing, remind him that “we only draw on paper”. Then ask him to show you where the paper is. This simple set-up guides him towards independence as he figures out that not only is it acceptable and even great to make art (promotes creativity), but that there are appropriate and inappropriate mediums (teaches boundary respect), and he can exercise the freedom to act on those art urges all by himself, whenever he chooses (encourages independence!).

A little PERSPECTIVE….One example I use often to help give parents some perspective on fostering independence is that of cup-drinking. The art and science of cup-drinking is something we as adults totally take for granted. When you scale it down to a toddler’s eye-view, it’s a rather involved task. We’ve tipped cups to our lips hundreds of thousands of times in our many years, but consider how few times a toddler has had that experience. When she picks up a cup and tips it to her lips, she has to, in her own crude way, calculate how far to go, and she’ll likely spill it to find out how far that is or was. We parents clean up that spill and somehow think that she should know better next time and therefore shouldn’t spill it again. But what we often take for granted is that the next time she picks up a cup to drink, it may be only half full, while the first time it was completely full, and the third time, it may only be a quarter of the way full. Perhaps the forth and fifth times she’ll pick up a bigger, and then a smaller cup, and thus the weights are slightly different. Every single time she picks up a cup to drink, it will be a completely new experience, a new “calculation”, and likely a new spill, at least for some time. Eventually she’ll find a formula that allows her to predict a tipping point, and then independence cometh! Don’t be surprised by her urge to pour liquid from one cup, repeatedly, to another, or even to the floor or table. All of this pouring is part of discovering that formula. Call up your patience from the earlier paragraph, give her a proper receptacle like a big mixing bowl, fill that cup with water (as not to stain your furniture in case she gets off target of that bowl), and let her tip to her heart’s content.

Create and allow OPPORTUNITY….Speaking of filling up that cup to allow a child to explore the his/her tipping point, brings me to the next thing we as parents can do to promote independence. We need to create, or just sometimes allow, the opportunity to be independent. Filling that cup is an example of creating opportunity. Good for you if you have the heart to do it, your child will learn more quickly for it. But in the absence of such commitment, at least resolve to allow the natural opportunities for independence to run their course. This is often quite easy, but can sometimes be a challenge in that it can take a whole bunch of patience (see why I discussed that first?) Easy example: instead of picking up your child’s toys after playtime, encourage him to do it by himself. The challenge: waiting for your child to pick up all those toys, one by one, often stopping to play with them again, when it’s his bedtime and you’re in a hurry to get him to sleep. Often, the difficulty in this area comes from our impatience to slow down to our child’s pace or effectively motivate them to speed up. Then there are things that just can’t be sped up, such as a toddling toddler gaining the ability to climb stairs. This one takes the mastery of balance, depth perception, foot-eye-hand coordination, etc. How many times have you started to let your toddler maneuver down or up the stairs only to cut the experience short by picking him up because the whole thing was just taking too long? How will he learn to climb the stairs if his sweet little feet never touch them? Fight the urge to rush him or pick him up, find a nice melody to hum to kill the time while you wait for him to figure it out, or better yet, climb slowly along with him to give him a model to emulate, all the while praising his effort with lots of affirmations and “ata-boys!” And of course there are those moments when independence is hindered by the best of intentions and our natural instincts to protect our children from… well, everything. That play structure at the park doesn’t look so threatening until your precious little one is dangling from it. You go to help him despite the fact that he probably was going to do it fine by himself. To this I can only respond with the sage wisdom of the unforgettable fish Dory in Finding Nemo: “Well, you can’t never let anything happen to him. Then nothing would ever happen to him,” and that includes independence.

So muster your patience, adjust your perspective, and start creating and allowing some opportunities. Soon you’ll be celebrating your child’s own Independence, Day after day!

Take the Pledge, It’s Just a Matter of Time…Management

Published on May 29, 2010 in Food For Thought and Time Management. 4 Comments

Though I can’t claim to be a loyal viewer, every now and again, I catch word of the latest thing Oprah Winfrey is up to. And, I must say, I was most pleased to hear that she recently launched a campaign to help put an end to “texting while driving” that even goes further and aims to make every automobile a “No Phone Zone”, by soliciting pledges from drivers.   I love it, love it, love it! I took the pledge as soon as I heard about it on the day it launched. Of course, what I appreciate most about it, is the fact that this campaign will lead to me and the people I love being much safer when we’re on the street (even as pedestrians).

But what I REALLY like about it, is that it calls into question the way we, as a society, currently choose to manage our time. I understand that for some people the safety factor is not enough of a reason to give up their car/phone time. After all, most people consider themselves to be above-average drivers, and in their minds, the risks that texting/talking while driving poses is little compared to the risk of not being able to communicate at the blink-of-an-eye pace to which we’ve all become accustomed in the past few years.

In order to really adhere to such a pledge, you’d have to completely restructure your lifestyle! The “No Phone Zone” means you can no longer hop in the car, simultaneously dialing your bff to get directions to that restaurant for that dinner date you’re running late for…Bummer! It means, you can no longer text your hubby while driving back from the your son’s t-ball practice to ask him to pick up something for dinner, because it just dawned on you that supper’s in an hour, and you didn’t thaw the chicken….Dang! It means you have to actually wait until you get to where you’re going (and are parked) to check the oh-so-important-email that you just heard chirp through your Blackberry…Phewy! And for some really, REALLY important business people, it means really, REALLY important business will have to wait…ARRRGH!

How awful! But is it really? One of the most important skills that I teach parents is PREPARATION. Preparation is defined as “the action or process of making something ready or of getting ready for some occasion, test, or duty.” Preparation for parents means taking the time (despite the fact that time is hard to come by for many of us) to think something through and establish a plan of action. A plan is one of the most powerful tools in a parent’s toolbox. From dealing with the public temper tantrums to optimizing fun time, a plan makes the difference.

One module, in particular, that I teach is heavily dependent upon the ability to master the art of planning, and that is Time-Management. Our society today values the multi-tasking, constantly-moving, e-communicating archetype. It gives the allusion that much is getting accomplished, when quite often the reality is a great deal of inefficiency. A lot of those multi-tasks that we’re simultaneously completing, are actually other tasks that we have to “undo” and “redo”, because they weren’t done right in the first place, or at least not as well as they could have been if we had spent a little more time thinking them through before acting.

Learning to restructure our lives to include preparation and planning not only allows for more efficient outcomes, but also helps reduce stress and anxiety. And the best part, especially for parents, is that it changes our pace and allows us more opportunities to achieve that often hard-to-acquire feeling of living in the moment. Of course there’s a need, a time, and a place for spontaneity, but honestly, that impromptu text while driving, just ain’t it!  Managing time is most definitely worth it, but it can often be a challenge. Learning to prepare is something that comes by way of incremental progress. Little steps lead to bigger steps which lead to even bigger steps, and before you know it, you feel like you have more control over your life. Pledging to put your cell phone aside for the duration of a ride (and all the planning that’s required to do that one small task), could be your first step.

So I’ll rephrase my earlier questions:

Is it really such a bummer that your bff can no longer give you turn-by-turn directions to that restaurant, or is it nice to know that because you took the “No Phone Pledge” that you not only remembered to get directions before leaving the house but you slowed down enough to remember to check that the lock on the back door. Now instead of the anxiety of wondering “did I forget to do something?”, you’re enjoying a relaxing dinner with friends.   Is it really such a bad thing, that because you committed to not texting while driving that you decided to call your husband BEFORE you left for t-ball practice, and his “what’s for dinner?” question reminded you to take that chicken out the freezer? Not to mention the fact that he was so pleasantly surprised to receive your mid-day call that he said an extra “I love you” that kept you smiling for a half an hour or so.  And is it really so horrible that you didn’t check that email the very second it chirped into your inbox? Because after all, it was just another coupon from that company who’s listserve you’ve been meaning to unsubscibe from.

First and foremost, the “No Phone Zone” Pledge is a matter of life and death. But, don’t underestimate that for many of us, it could also be a matter of Time…Management!

Take the pledge now: www.nophonezone.com (It’s quicker than checking your email!)

History Teaches Parents a Lesson

Published on May 22, 2010 in Food For Thought and Teaching. 6 Comments

If there’s one class we took in school that we were sure wouldn’t get “outdated” it was history class, right? Well, apparently not so! Recently, the Texas Board of Education voted to approve a new social studies curriculum that’s been accused of “rewriting” history to be more biased to Republican and conservative ideals. How does this affect your child’s education? Well since, Texas is the largest buyer of textbooks, their Board has an enormous influence on what is printed in those texts. That means books delivered to your child’s school district will likely contain these admittedly more conservative views.

From questioning the Founding Fathers’ commitment to separation of church and state, to attempting to replace the term “Slave Trade” with “Atlantic Triangular Trade” (though this latter revision was not approved), the Texas Board of Education wields the power to change the trajectory of our nation as we now know it by telling future generations a different story than the one we learned. But do they really?

Well, no…because that’s where we as parents come in, and frankly, that’s OUR power to wield. Despite what your own ideological views may be, and despite whether or not you’re in favor of these measures, it calls into question the accuracy and totality of any education our children receive from any institution. Inevitably there will be biases, omissions, and discrepancies in lessons our children are taught. But we need not feel despair, instead we should feel empowered.

This is a great opportunity to take ownership of our children’s education. We don’t necessarily need to sit in the class room with them and make sure each textbook includes a particular subject discussed in a particular way. But what we do need to do is to teach our children how be judicious and discerning, to instill in them the habit of self-seeking information, and to train them to distinguish fact from opinion for the sake of formulating their own opinions. These are life lessons that, if we successfully impart, will ensure that no textbook, teacher, or institution can limit or define their knowledge.

It’s quite unwise to assume any educational system is sufficient enough a pillar on which to place the weight of our children’s learning. History textbooks have and will continue to be rewritten time and time again, but knowledge can never be destroyed. Let’s teach our children how to seek, uncover, and accumulate it.