It’s understandable that many parents are dismayed and even disgusted by the accounts set forth in the newly released book Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, by Amy Chua. In the book, a Connecticut mom of Chinese ethnicity writes proudly of the strict discipline and harsh parenting of her daughters, the likes of which I won’t bother to detail here, as most of us have already heard the heart wrenching stories. She attributes them to her cultural background, while doggedly criticizing western (American) parenting styles. The reason I’ve chosen to throw my two cents into the discussion is because amid most of the commentary I’ve read about this controversial book, there seems to be a HUGE underlying point that goes overlooked. And that is, there is a very important lesson to be learned from this Tiger Mom, Amy Chua, which has nothing to do with forcing our children to endure hours of violin practice without a water or bathroom break, but has everything to do with the self-awakening of knowing when as a parent you’ve gone too far. Despite the fact that she is unapologetic about her actions, and still holds contempt for western parenting, Chua has proclaimed that the book is less of a parenting-how-to manual and more so a point of concession that came about when she realized that her severe methods weren’t as productive as she had hoped they would be. Basically, her ruthless ways backfired. While she firmly states that she does not regret having used such callous tactics, in interviews Chua has alluded to the book being her confession that the extremity of her methods was just plain unproductive. And more importantly, she has since eased-up on her egregious behaviors.
It is for this confession and for this willingness to try to change, that we have something to learn from Chua’s journey. Her experiences illustrate that in parenting, there is little good that comes from excessive measures. But is this really a lesson we need to learn? The answer is yes! Unfortunately, far too many American moms (of course not all, but still, far too many) also exist in a realm of extreme behavior, but it goes in the OTHER direction. Many moms here are “under-doing” what Chua was guilty of “over-doing”. As detrimental as it was for Chua to “reject” a handmade birthday card from her daughter on the basis of its inferiority, it is equally as undermining for a mom to “accept” any half-hearted effort her child puts forth towards something when she knows he can do better. As emotionally crippling as it must have been for Chua to make her children feel as if nothing they do is good enough, it is equally as damaging for a mom to allow her children to go through life believing everything they do is perfect. And the list of negative consequences in either direction goes on and on. The unfortunate truth is that this “comfort-extreme” we lean towards is quickly becoming an acceptable model for parenting in our country. While it seems harmless enough, make no mistake, it is an extreme all the same. We have to be brutally honest that too many parents in our society tend to over-indulge, over-placate, and over-adulate children as a general rule of thumb these days. To make matters worse, we all know how quickly a dirty look is given to any parent who doesn’t embrace these same drastic measures in child-rearing. Disapproving eyes that say, “How dare that mom tell her child to try harder, doesn’t she know that she will irreversibly ruin his self-esteem if she does not praise his every attempt?” seem to be pervasive. And thus, a peer-pressuring effect to sway to that extreme breaks down even the most moderate of parents.
We want to believe that because this appeasement and applaud driven parenting style is the polar-opposite to that of the Tiger Mom that it can’t possibly be doing harm, or even a disservice, to our kids. This just isn’t true. Studies from various fields of science, ranging from neurology to psychology, have already proven it. Our intentions are good. Our problem is not in loving our children too much or wanting to see them immensely happy…all the time…our problem is in failing to realize that too much of anything, even a good thing, is unhealthy. Perhaps the Tiger Mom still has a way to go before she can be considered moderate, but so far she actually seems to be a step ahead of us on this one. Unlike many parents in our society, she has at least opened her eyes to the realization that she was operating in the realm of the far extreme. Have we?
